Deresi: 5 favorite witticisms

For this week’s blog, I give you the 5 favorite witticisms of Deresi (not for the overly sensitive.)

Sweet, beautiful, crimson-haired Deresi has a wicked sense of humor. If you are one of her more generous coins (and turn a blind eye when things go missing in your home), or Shadyia in need of a smile, you may have already heard some of these. For the rest of you, here are Deresi’s top 5 favorite jests.

Here we go:

  1. Two men are fishing in a lake when a magician joins them. But instead of getting out a pole, the magician walks across the surface of the water, grabs a fish, and takes it back to his bucket.
    Five times he does this before he picks up the bucket and walks home and one of the fishermen turns to the other and says, “Those magicians think they be so damn smart—they don’t even know how to swim!”.
  2. A young woman asks her grandmother what kind of man she should spend her life with.
    The older woman says, “My dear, it is important to find a man who cooks for you.
    And it is important to find a man who can earn lots of silver.
    And it is important to find a man who can make wild, passionate love to you all night long.
    But MOST important,” the wise old grandma adds, “it is absolutely essential that these three men never meet.”
  3. A Sacred of Ouranos dies and finds himself at the Gates of Eriensym.
    Ouranos himself appears and asks, “Why should I let thee enter? What good hath thee done?”
    The Sacred says, “Well, once I was in this tavern and I saw a group of Bloodthorn mercenaries drinking and cussing and sinning. I walked up the biggest one, knocked the drink form his hand, slapped him across the face, and told him he needed to do better in his life.”
    Ouranos was impressed. “Very good my son. When did this happen?”
    The Sacred rubs his elbow and said, “Oh, a few minutes ago.”
  4. A young man joins the Knights of the Silver Horn to guard the frontier against the northern barbarians. It’s hard work, but the worst part is there are no women.
    His needs are mounting day by day, so he goes to his commander and asks what he can do about this.
    The commander says, “On the outside of the camp over there, you will see a barrel. When you need to, you can use it. Just stick your cock in one of its holes and all will be good. You can do this any day except Thursday.”
    The young warrior seems confused by this. How can a barrel take care of him? He resists another day, but then he can resist no more.
    He goes to the barrel and does as his commander suggests. And it was great! The barrel took care of his needs almost instantly! It was the best he ever had.
    The next day, he sees the commander. “Thank you, sir! That barrel was amazing!”
    The old officer says, “I’m glad it took care of you. Remember, you can use it any day except Thursday.”
    The young warrior says, “You mentioned that before. Why not on Thursday? What happens on Thursday?”
    The commander replies, “Thursday is *your* turn in the barrel.”
  5. And the number one favorite joke of Deresi is:
    A young noble is showing a girl he desires his powerful warhorse. “His name is Wild Thunder. He runs as fast as the wind and shakes the ground with his might!”
    The girl is thrilled and asks if she could ride with him.
    “Only if you take off all your clothes,” the young noble says with a devious smile.
    The girl is embarrassed, but they are far out in the countryside, so she agrees. She gets completely naked and jumps on the back of the horse. The noble digs in his heels and they’re off! The girl clings to his back! The trees whisk past! It was fantastic! Then suddenly the horse steps in a hole and stumbles. The girl is thrown clear, but the noble and horse roll end over end and stop. The young man is trapped under the poor dead horse. “There is a fisherman who lives just over the hill there! Go and get help!” he cries.
    “But I can’t,” says the girl. “I’m naked!”
    “Take off my boot,” he says, “and cover yourself. And hurry! I’m dying!”
    The girl pulls off his boot and, holding it over her pubes, she runs over the hill. She sees the fisherman by a lake and, still holding the boot between her legs, she runs toward him and cries, “Please help me! My lord is stuck!”
    The fisherman looks at the boot and says, “There’s nothing I can do, ma’am. He’s in too far.”

And, because I love to give an extra bonus when I can, here is Shadyia’s favorite joke:

  • A man escapes from the Bastille where he has been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for coins and food and clothes and finds a married couple in bed. He orders the man out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the pantry.
    While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this man has obviously escaped from the Bastille. He probably hasn’t been with a woman for years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants you, don’t resist, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
    To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he prefers men. He thinks you’re cute and asked me if we had any lard for his cock. I told him it was in the pantry. Be strong honey. I love you too!”